Today I wanted to shop so badly. I was online last night and wanted to buy crap because it was half off at my favorite store. I filled up my online shopping cart, a few hundred dollars worth, and I kept thinking you don’t want to do this. This is not the next right step. Wait 24 hours. So I did. And this morning when I woke up and the sale was gone I was pissed. Ridiculous! I was in such a bad mood. So I did the next right thing. I called my sponsor. Both of them actually and let them into my life so that I did not have to be alone. I committed to not going shopping at anytime today and instead I would workout. I knew I was headed for trouble today when I had a thought of canceling social plans that involved exercise to go to the mall to look at a thing.
That is not the life I want to have . This line from the big book which arrived in my daily big book email on Saturday really spoke to me. This is what it said. It blew my mind.
“Simple, but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centeredness. I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all. ” P.14. My addictive actions are me destroying my life through self-centeredness. I can’t think of anything worse. I don’t want to pay that price. I want to destroy my self-centeredness instead of have it destroy me. I am giving my will AND my life over to my higher power to care for me and show me the best path out of self-centeredness. I don’t know about tomorrow, but I know I am doing it just for today.
I am powerless over money and shopping and my life had become unmanageable. Help me God to be the best person I can be. I give my life to you today. Thank you for showing me the next right step, and I thank myself for being able to listen and hear the guidance I received.